McDonald’s offers sweatpant food staples like burgers, ”chicken” nuggets, and shakes. And if you eat enough of this swill, you will get the shakes. But, let’s be honest with each other. I get sick of the same old menu that has been giving me midnight cold-sweats since the mid 1980s. The way I see it, if I am going to be sweating on the toilet all night, I am going to do it on my terms. That is why I try to order ‘off-menu’ items whenever possible.
Burger King claims that you can “have it your way,” but with McDonalds and sweatpants, you can really really have it your way. I’m going to set a little sampler menu for you right now.
McSurf ‘n Turf- Buy yourself a quarter pounder with cheese and a filet-o-fish sandwich with extra tarter sauce, slap the fish on top of the burger, and you have yourself a classy sandwich fit for nautical kings. Pair it with a small coke and a small vanilla shake to help settle your stomach. Plus, if you have to vomit, the coolness of the shake takes away all of the puke-burn but sadly, none of the shame.
McShitfaced- After 1 am when the McNazis cut the menu down to the basics (burgers and nuggets) stick it in the man’s face by ordering a Big Mac (no onions or lettuce), nuggets (minimum of 4), bbq and sweet and sour, and a spoon. You throw those nugs under the burger, spoon on equal parts bbq and sweet and sour and you have yourself a midnight miracle. For extra points, eat it in your car right next to the dumpster so you can dispose of the evidence immediately. Note: if you are caught eating this in Arizona, you are tagged and brought out to the desert.
McBrunch- McDonalds stops serving lunch at 10:30 on weekdays and 11:00 on weekends. If you show up at 10:55 on a Saturday, skip the ball pit and get in line immediately. Order the sausage, egg and cheese McGriddle, 2 hash browns, and a Diet coke. At 11:01, get back in line and order a double quarter pounder with cheese (no onions, no tomato, no mustard, extra pickles.) Throw the sausage part of the McGriddle and the buns of the quarter pounder on the floor immediately so the rest of the food can breathe. Then combine the McGriddle buns and egg with the burger meat and the 2 hash browns. Feel free to add ketchup for dipping. For added privacy and convenience, eat it in the bathroom.
If you are unable to eat at home, eating any of these dishes in the car where nobody can see you is a fantastic way to go. If you run out of napkins, use the bottom of your car/bus seat or your socks to keep your hands clean. It should also be noted that adding crushed up fries to any of these sandwich gives it a nice accent that little extra side of grease to the entire experience. Say “Yes” to life and “No” to restricting menu choices.
Finally McDonald’s is for closers, never be afraid to over-order. Let whatever items you can’t finish sit out on the table and breathe overnight. After your morning cup of Sanka and a quick trip to the can, warm up the toaster oven and finish what you started. McLeftovers are paired well with Caddyshack 2 and Rocky 5. You are going to feel like garbage either way, so you might as well watch complete garbage.
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